her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
