I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
