Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
