Cold hands, warm shart.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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