I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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