did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
