oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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