News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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