so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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