Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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