Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
