I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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