I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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