You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize
