Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
