My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
