Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
