its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She's the barista slut.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
