I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
