we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
