I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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