I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Randomize
