You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
