at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
