I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
