There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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