Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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