dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
