i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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