Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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