I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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