Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
