I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
