I hate your face
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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