omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
