i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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