I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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