Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
