So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
should my penis look like a turkey
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
