I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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