found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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