He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
