Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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