I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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