This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
