you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
