I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
