I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Say something about gay babies.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
