just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
