Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
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they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
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You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN