All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.