so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad