alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
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