Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize