If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
